I have a secret… I want another baby. So much that it keeps me up at night, leaves me in tears when I talk about it and just rips my soul to shreds. It eats away at me like a parasite and I fear there is no cure.
Phew I said it!
And look I just lost 5lbs 🙂 Wouldn’t that have been nice!!
I don’t ever write personal thoughts on my blog, but my heart was heavy with needing to post this.
There is plenty of back story to it. Too much back story really, so here are the highlights- 2 beautiful girls, vasectomy, possible reversal, high cost, age, hesitation, fears, acceptance. Well ok that last part is a lie. I have not accepted it, but I am dealing, coping, healing, moving forward as best I can.
Adoption was thrown around, as I have a soft spot in my heart for it. I lived in South Africa in my 20’s and worked for an orphanage, but I knew the process and time it takes to get from A-Z and didn’t want to have a baby feel like an only child, by the time we got it. My girls are growing fast and as a sister that isn’t close to her sibling (by 8 years ) I didn’t want to put that on a child. Our relationship has been strained to say the least.
I regret the choice my husband I made 3 years ago, despite doing it for all the right reasons. Those reasons are still valid to this day. But tell that to my heart.
I regret not setting up a home study and having paperwork in line years ago, for the day my heart would come calling to take a child not of our own, into our home. I would take one tomorrow to love.
I regret feeling like someone is missing from our family. A life that I stopped from being or nurturing. It haunts me.
I regret feeling this way after I have been so incredibly blessed within my life. I have a family I adore and a life that I always dreamed about.
Some might reach out to me and give me support, some might hit me hard with criticism for my feelings, when so many women out there can’t even have one child of their own. Is it wrong to love my life and family so much I want to add upon it?? I think not.
This post isn’t for anyone but me. It is a way to help me release and let go of this weight inside of me. To tell this voice/soul/spirit that speaks so loudly to me, that it is what it is and move on.
Nothing is going to change. None of my husbands little guys will get where they need to be (thanks to the best vasectomy guy in the state) and I learned a long time ago that the stork doesn’t leave babies on the door step 🙂 So where does that leave me?? It leaves me with my thoughts. My quiet time with God to make sense of it all. Maybe this soul that is talking to me isn’t meant for my family. But I know some day I will meet him. Yes him…
My best friend announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child and I couldn’t be more thrilled for her. She has had years of fertility issues and at 39 is finally able to give her little girl the sibling she wants. Some might ask how that makes me feel. GREAT! In fact I am almost as excited for her as she is!
I can’t be jealous…. jealousy robs us of the here and now. It takes the joy and amazing moments in life and distorts them, until you can no longer make sense of reality. So her joy is my joy!
While this post isn’t for anyone but me, maybe writing this will help someone in some small way. Maybe there are those that can relate on a few levels and know they aren’t alone. Many of us have regrets to face in all facets of life. Maybe this is the encouragement someone will need to tackle it head on. It is the start to my healing process and perhaps someone else’?
I DO love my life and I will be fine 🙂 Some days are better than others. My girls birthdays and the holidays seem to hit me the most- I guess on those days I want more of them to love. Hubby is always there for me, to walk me through those hard moments. I am blessed!
And sure there are days when my kids and hubby stress me out so much, I want to leave a Jen shaped hole in our front door, as I bust out cartoon style. But that is life. Nothing is every perfect. Some days are amazing, while others I would rather forget all together. But that is what makes life beautiful and real! The ups and downs…. my world is a roller coaster and I wouldn’t change it for anything!!
This isn’t a sad post. It isn’t intended to be a pity party. It is about empowerment really… I am strong enough and brave enough to share a pain in my life. A pain that has taught me much about myself. Lessons I never thought I needed to learn. But God sure does work in mysterious ways 🙂
I mean after all I am a birth/newborn photographer lol. I have a passion for it. So babies are my world on a daily basis. Being around these wonderful families only helps me to grow more in my understanding about me. My compassion abounds for these little lives and despite everything above, they too heal my soul.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it” -Ann Landers
It is my time to let go…. Just do it
And a special thanks to two dear friends who helped me, cried with me and supported me though my nutty days and weeks. I love you dearly!